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A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
i choose….tongue
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
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If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”