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“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Good lord
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
This is so me 😂😂
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave