You Might Also Like
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*
eyes: *water*
*looks like I’m crying in meeting*
me: yeah this is better
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Pass gas, not judgment.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.