33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
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The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
no such thing as a dumb question
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.