33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
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So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
My spirit animal is fried chicken
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition