Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.

4: “Can I have one?”

“No.”

4: “Okay just 2.”

“No.”

4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro