Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

Worlds greatest photobomb

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up