*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
You Might Also Like
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.