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*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
.. do you even science?
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.