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Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Smooooooth
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language