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Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
oh shit
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess