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Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent