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[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”