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The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
😆this is so true
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me: