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Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
sounds kinky. i’m in.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.