You Might Also Like
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink