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Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC