Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today

How all things should be taught/explained.

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

Spell check is for lasers.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

[santa gently waking me] you live like this?

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!