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Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
i choose….tongue
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac