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No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
me doing my best
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*