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When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over