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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
concern
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat