Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
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the discourse is thriving
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”
Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.
[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”
“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
There’s only one kind of people in this world 1. who are good at maths 2. who aren’t 3. whose dog can come up with a better tweet than this.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I hate when I’m on a date and my mom reaches over and pushes my hair from my face.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea