@shutupmikeginn

346 character anecdote

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@Reverend_Scott

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

@Reverend_Scott

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

@petemandik

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

@HomeWithPeanut

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

@withanewname

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

@rajaet

There’s only one kind of people in this world 1. who are good at maths 2. who aren’t 3. whose dog can come up with a better tweet than this.

@IGotsSmarts

She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

@JustSnow3

I hate when I’m on a date and my mom reaches over and pushes my hair from my face.

@daemonic3

“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”

STEVE: How about a Kasteve?

BOB: I have a better idea