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me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
bad
worse
worst
worchester