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If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.