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If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Mouse
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display