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Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Miscakes
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Lmao the reply
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data