35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
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My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…