Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

Best spoiler warning ever

Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]