35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
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Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.