“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
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[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.
Don’t go to a fight with a gun or a knife,
People won’t fight when there’s bubblewrap
Find a group doing river baptisms. Release LSD into the water upstream. Bring friends in devil costumes. Cavort and frolic on the riverbank.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months