@Notufatjesus_

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

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@FatherWithTwins

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

@david8hughes

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

@TheAlexNevil

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

@urfavoritejoel

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

@Sirrruh

My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.

@AhmedAllabidy

Don’t go to a fight with a gun or a knife,

Bubblewrap yourself,

People won’t fight when there’s bubblewrap

@RealPrincessKim

Find a group doing river baptisms. Release LSD into the water upstream. Bring friends in devil costumes. Cavort and frolic on the riverbank.

@jasonmustian

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

@ericsshadow

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

@HenpeckedHal

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months