Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December

Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.