Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us

Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*