Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.

Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.

It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in

“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”

*starts driving*

“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!

ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs