Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time

HER: you mean ‘ravages’?

ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.