35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
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Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”