35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
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-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
They did not think through this water fountain
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
For the baby who has everything
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
