Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man

Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!

Phone camera: lol is it?

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio