[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
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I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.