Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

😾

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.

We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.