[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
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On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Poetry is my passion
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Get in loser we’re going crying