[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
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I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Husband of the year 😂
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg