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I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
work smarter, not harder
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
