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My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry