You Might Also Like
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point