Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

this came to me in a vision

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

Hot singles in your area!

They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.