353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
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Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL