Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

Genius.

The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days