You Might Also Like
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes