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How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*