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Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.