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During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Sir!!
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
Not helping
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.