36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
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Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING