Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me

me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon

w: I despise you

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?

Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car