36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
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families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
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Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I have never related to anyone more.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.