Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….

Me: …addicted

15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…

Me: …addicted

15: what smacked you in the face last night?

Me: …go to your room

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

[Creation]

God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

*looks at phone to check the time

*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours

I want what they have

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

4k tvs? no thanks i only need one

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer