Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’

Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.

Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.

13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!