Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

Oh deer

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!

Me: That’s exactly what that is.