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Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Order here:
More here:
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big