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Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
