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Cucumbers Anonymous
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.