Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

Imagine me riding a bike.

Wrong.

There’s no seat.

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them