Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

smh

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.

My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.