364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
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You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
forgive me baja for i have blast
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.