Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

<—- homeless romantic

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.