Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

Am I having a stroke?

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

Hot hot hot 🥵

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*