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A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers