37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
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If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Lmfao
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
rapatouille
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.