37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
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Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I hope Alan is OK
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.