37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
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This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
They grow up so quick
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If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not