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still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I believe the plural is “milves.”
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time