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creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know