You Might Also Like
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Noah
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Sign at work today
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.