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For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago