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I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?