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If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer