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I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
