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A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
The old gods are rising again.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]