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When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Don’t tell me what to do
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
