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My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Not today
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”