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Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Cucumbers Anonymous
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone