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I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
Practicing safe sax
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*