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Maths meets science
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog