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[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.