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Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
You don’t see great advertising like this anymore
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
A great first step 😂
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Emma is smarter than all of us.
