You Might Also Like
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
why neck hurt
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!