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If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.